Sit Down. Close the Door.

9 11 2009

***SPOILER ALERT***

There’s something to be said about a television show that keeps me energized and invorgated almost 14 hours after watching it.  I’ve been burning through every TV critic’s blog after the opus that was the Season 3 finale of “Mad Men” last night. 

It had it all.  Tons of laughs.  Near domestic abuse.  Good ol’ British sneers.  The ill cashmere V-neck Don wears as he tells the kids daddy is gonna be shaking up in a bachelor pad in Manhattan.  Secret marriages in Reno.  And the promise for a brand new show next year that will certainly look and feel and move wholly differently than the past three.

I’m a TV junkie.  TV is so good right now that new films and DVD’s take a backseat like a dumpster baby in my spare time dedicated to consuming as much media as possible on a weekly basis.  My mark of a great television show is as follows: as soon as the episode ends, I begin replaying it in my mind to consume every nuance (The Prisoner, Mad Men, The Wire, Twin Peaks), memorizing and laughing at quotable jokes  like an old hillbilly skinning a ferret (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Parks and Recreation, Bored to Death, Modern Family), and feeling immediately strung out and dilapidated as a Motley Crue guitarist fresh outta H while I wait for next week’s episode (Damages, Lost). 

Consequently, I know a show has jumped the shark when the following actions take place:

-I only watch it on DVR and find myself fast forwarding to the main character’s screen time because every other character and plotline has devolved horrendously (House, Dexter) over the years.

-I DVR it because I won’t be home to watch it live…and the next thing I know it’s 3-4 days later and I watch the show only out of habit (Season 6 of 24, Season 2 of Heroes).

-The plot becomes so tired (Entourage) or so insultingly far fetched and re-hashed (Alias) that I cut it off cold turkey to minimize loss and to appreciate the good seasons. 

Last night’s Mad Men, in relation to the rest of season three, was like watching your favorite basketball player coast through three quarters on autopilot, dishing the ball, feeling out the defense, setting up his favorite teammates to keep the game close and then BOOM! dropping 35 points in the fourth quarter.  You walk away from that game thinking, “You know, that guy’s way too good to be so conservative and economical.  He HAD to be setting us up for that fourth quarter.”  And then you’re up until 1am, geeked up on adrenaline and fanboy opiates exploding every 5 minutes when you think back to your favorite moments.

Kudos to Matt Weiner and the writing team for delivering tenfold on the finale.  See you next year!


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Dame Dash is Saving Hip Hop

6 11 2009

Who saw this coming?

First, the awesome looking (and sounding) Blakroc project with the Black Keys dropping later this month.

Now, it’s the Center Edge Territory with Jay Electronica, Mos Def, and Currensy.

Dame Dash is in a unique position: pretty good with the coin and no compromising investment/partnership with the music industry.  He’s almost what George Clooney has become: a near elder statesman content with past pop glory and bored with the current shape things, so what the hell?  They got money to burn and weird people to give it to.

What separates Dame from Jay is that Jay is still in the business of (among other things) selling records as Jay-Z The Brand.  Dame is no longer in the spotlight.  He’s dabbed in film and retro kicks.  He relinquished the Roc-a-fella name years ago.  This freedom from asinine meetings with record execs and appeasing homogenized radio playlists and fading retailers and fickle fans is almost too much to handle for a guy used to hustlin’ and conquerin’ and letting everyone know that while he’s at it.

What do you do when you conquered the game and got out before it all crumbled? 

And you happen to be a brash tastemaker from Harlem?

To quote Wu-Tang Financial, you diversify your portfolio, n****! 

Groups I’d like to see Dame Dash pony up the cash for just for shits and giggles:

1. The Firm with Nas, AZ, Foxy, Nature and Cormega. The ultimate “fuck you” to Jay.
2. Dr. Dre and Ice Cube for the never released “Helter Skelter” album. The west coast needs more old man rap. Dame needs to pop tags at the Staples Center and/or buy the Clippers. Yay-eee-yay!
3. The Incredible Force: Common, Black Thought, Pharoahe Monch, Jeru the Damaja. once rumored to be happening via HipHopSite.com during the Lyricist Lounge era. Dame could use some Okayplayer merch money to offset State Property losses
4. Scarface and Beans are “Brad n’ Mack”. This was supposed to happen during the Roc heydays. Now it’s the premise for an all-black buddy sitcom on TV One. Dame fux with basic cable.
5. Ghostface and MF Doom. Just for the video footage of Dame in the studio bustin’ on Doom’s mask and faded ass Ewing jersey.
6. CRS (Lupe, Kanye, Pharrell). Like Vice/Pitchfork/Macy’s wouldn’t want in?


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Categories : Iron Men, Music to Choke On

Too Soon?

3 11 2009

Richard Price, author of “Clockers” and long-time writer for The Wire, on writing the script for MJ’s “Bad” video:

“Too late to deny it then. Listen, it sounded like a great idea. Martin Scorsese came to me and said Quincy Jones came to him on behalf of Michael Jackson to do a music video. This was when music videos were just becoming a big thing. So Jackson wanted to show people that he’s “down.” Think about it: Richard Price, Scorsese, Michael Jackson, who the hell is going to say no? Of course I was going do it. And everybody did their job. Jackson is not a bad actor, and Scorsese, well, he’s great. I wrote a really good eight-page script. Problem is that Michael Jackson is Michael Jackson … he looks like Minnie Mouse. And you forget the whole thing has to end with a song. Looking at it now, I think it’s cool I did it. No one holds it against me, anyway.”


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Flex The White Gold Tarantula

2 11 2009

“I was like, ‘You know what? I love Raekwon, man.’ He spits bodies. But sometimes son be saying something and I don’t get it but it just sounds so good that I let it slide. You feel me? And I was like, ‘Let me see if I could write one of those.’ And I did. You know, ‘Giraffe neck niggas I blast tech’s/Alejandro, he came through with the Mexican Aztecs.” I was like, ‘I don’t know what I’m talking about but it sounds good, yo!’

–Sean Price on Raekwon via HipHopGame.com

Rae’s kinda hot right now with all the acclaim for Cuban Linx 2 and the most anticipated Wu dream collabo full length alongside Ghost and Method Man (supposedly dropping December 22, but us Wu heads won’t be shocked if it goes the way of The Cure and the Bobby Digital movie.  At least the Rik Cordero trailer is murder sauce). 

As an MC, I’ve marveled at Raekwon’s almost stubborn ability to remain in pocket, year after year, dropping those crime criteria slang doctor bars, regardless of the beat or the album or the nature of the guest feature.  Of all the Wu members, he’s been the least affected by the changing rap landscape the past 15 years.  No R&B joints, no Southern wrinkles in his catalogue.  No double time bars, no next-level production.  You know what you’re getting with Raekwon on the mic.  The god pulls no punches.

With that in mind, me and the homie Has-Lo have been going back and forth doing our best impression of Raekwon for a couple weeks now completely independent of Sean Price and yet we ended up in the same place: paying homage to the Chef by talking and writing with that ol’ fly Lex jeweler spoiler kit on the Russian millionaire Lexus shit.  Behold the gods’ actual mantis annex style convo’s on our tentative album together!

Has-Lo: Rae influences us all. He’s the catalyst for this rap shit man. The album I wanna do with you…that shit gotta be on some pyrexed out, Arabian crack disco wop in the G5 jet with Lex shit.

ZR: Those pyrex grenades hopping outta Croatian Caprice Classic joints.

Has-Lo: That Ghostfaced ski mask Mac 10 mic brawler shit. That hypoallergenic fly asiatic assassin shit. That drug mentality, money folders on the mound pitchin that Julio Eglesias cold covosia, sneakers that kill shit. I love fashion!

ZR: That go kart phenomenal, liver than fuck shit.  That Stacey Adams smugglin’ fly apartment in Rancho Cucamona shit.  That off top Reynolds Wrap blessed with Deniro cash shit.  All day Alize blunt wrap, chef baked plush crack shit!

Has-Lo: Lookin for that crack vase ice baked grouper fish fly line shape up headliner shit.  That crack vile tommy gun coke sniffer symphony shit.  That dancefloor party fanatic colonel, street block general, weedhouse flushin the work, rob ya gate, custom Wally shoe, fresh valor, Linens and 9 milli Things, Bath and catch a Body Works shit!

ZR:  With them cucumber burners still coolin’ when they peelin’, lame daddy faggots sniffing coke off painted ceilings!

Has-Lo:  Folger’s pistols with the diamond chips flying out the barrell!  Knock the porcelain smirk off ya doll face, then max in the imperial Benz tank with crushed leathers on!

ZR:  It’ll be like crushed velour suede denim mocknecks on the back on Cuban gamblers, dunn dunn.  The Persian duct tape on shiesty lawyers, aiming ruby Rugers at pie handlers, sitting ill in the helicopter overlooking Somalia shit!

Has-Lo:  Baked raviolis with the clam sauce baking in that pyrex next to the cracks!

That's why we do the Dew!

****

Grab me and Has-Lo’s “Forever Freestyle” over the De La Soul + Nike joint via Bloggerhouse!

And here’s a new Catalina coke blanket off the new BlakRoc album featuring Raekwon: “Stay off the Fucking Flowers!”

Whattup Beloved!


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Categories : I Gotta Eat Too, Iron Men, My New Era's

Happy Halloween From Ghostface!

31 10 2009

“I don’t like touching midgets anyway cause they hands is like…stubby-like”

Via RockTheDub.com


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Categories : Iron Men, Television

Joe Budden, Mos Def, Black Thought, and Slim Shady Recharge My Batteries

30 10 2009

When Mos Def comes off the “weakest” in a cypher, hip hop is still winning.

Skip to Joe Budden’s verse.  Everyone else is either ehhh or outright assey.

I really really needed this.

I’ve been dormant round here recently.  Beat Garden has been handling alot of behind the scenes business.  With all of that going on, plus the return of primetime Fall television (NBC Thursdays, HBO/Showtime Sundays, ESPN’s 30 for 30, and IFC’s Monty Python documentary series), the last thing I feel like doing is reviewing movies or making fun of Lil’ Wayne.

Well…I’ll always have time to make fun of Lil’ Wayne.

To update you all on the things I’ve been consuming and NOT writing about, here it is:

-Mad Men:  Still the best show on television.  HBO would’ve been the Steelers of the 70’s if they would’ve picked up this show after Soprano’s ended.  Instead, we have In Treatment.  At least Bored to Death is picking up steam.

-Curb Your Enthusiasm:  The old saying goes that if you’ve already humiliated and alienated almost every subsection of human being, there’s always the handicapped!  And the cast of Seinfeld!

-Flying Lotus/ The Joker/ MONO/Poly/ Hudson Mohawke:  Making me savor the idea of Dilla living on through a bass heavy, fluttering synth concoction smacked up with cold hand claps.

-Ghostface’s Ghostdini:  Ghostdini is the perfect album for hip hoppers in their late 20’s and beyond.  Rae’s Cuban Linx 2 is cool for the Wu diehard in all of us, but Ghostdini brings a new element to rap: romance and heartbreak from a street poet.  It’s not convluted or market tested (save for some of the R&B names on the project).  It’s Ghost evolving; you can’t expect 36 year olds to rap about coke and guns forever.  Anyone over 24 by now has been dumped horribly or caught cheating.  Well so has Wu’s sharpest blade. 

-Reading Deadspin: Between that and Twitter, I’m hitting the refresh button more than ever.

-Buying vinyl:  It’s rather un-hip hop of me to never own a turntable until this year. 

-Finishing the new Shadowboxers Broken Clocks EP:  I’m very thrilled and humbled by the ongoing love for The Slow Twilight.  It’s kinda cool to see the snowball effect going on almost 5 months after the album dropped for free.  We just wrapped up shooting for the long overdue video for “High Noon” — it’s pretty filthy, visually and conceptually.  The EP is a collection of remixes, bonus promotional cuts, and a few new jawns and collaborations with some of my favorite MC’s.  Look for that to drop sometime in December!

-Veggie chicken fingers:  COP THESE!  The breading, the chicken tender-like shape, and the chickeny colored “meat” (synthetic veggie protein) make more feel like I’m in North Philly eating chicken in a box minus the french fries.

-David Cross’ book I Drink For a Reason:  Someone had to call out Mary J. Blige for blingin’ in the name of the Lord.

-Drew Magary’s book Men With Balls:  Someone had to break down the advantage of listening to sports talk radio in the car — “When I’m in the car by myself and driving around in silence, I think about weird things.  Like death.  Not cool.  That’s where sports talk radio comes in”. 

-Witnessing the quiet takeover of alt-comedians in mainstream culture:  Demetri Martin.  Zach Galifinakis.  Patton Oswalt.  Michael Ian Black.  Michael Showalter.  David Wain.  Brian Posehn.  ‘Tis is a great time to be a fan of laughter and comic books/D&D/weird charts/fiercely grown beards.

-Living in South Philly again: it’s not often I get to see two drunken pieces of white trash argue in front of a $275K house about Jimmy going to prison, and if you were to call him and get him out, I’D STILL BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUTTA HIM!  On a Saturday afternoon, no less.  In front of kids on razor scooters.

-Going to Marshall’s and TJ Maxx: Son, you cop those ill cream butter crunch joints for up to 30% off the retailers price!  That’s my word. 

More posts coming next week, including an expose on America’s latest dilemma: do fat hipsters get laid?


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Categories : Here's a Little Story, I Gotta Eat Too

From the Makers of the Snuggie Comes Lil’ Weezyer!

26 10 2009

*Snuggie salesman voice*

Are you tired of your pop punk being produced by Ric Ocasek?


Sick of your Weezy mixtapes NOT featuring the guys who wrote “Beverly Hills”?

Then you’ll LOVE Lil’ Weezyer and their breakthrough smash “Can’t Stop Partyin”!!!

Not ONLY are you getting a guest appearance from Weezy on a Weezer song (thus making them Lil’ Weeyzer)…but you’re ALSO getting production from Jermaine Dupri AND Polow Da Don FREE!

Yes!  FREE!

Who wants their Weezer records produced by Rick Rubin when, for Free99, you can get an extra helping of Mr. Janet Jackson and the guy who makes freaks hang pictures of his dick on they walls?

Who wants a Lil’ Wayne song bogged down by his assey guitar noodling when, for a simple Zshare download, you’ll have access to the imperial 6 string chops of Brian Bell and Rivers Cuomo?!?

Get all of your Pitchfork approved ironic rap/rock combinations in one package!

Lil’ Weezyer’s “Can’t Stop Partyin”!

15 million Americans have already agreed: Lil’ Weeyzer is where it’s at, homies!

GET IT NOW!


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Categories : Music to Choke On, My New Era's

Hip Hop @ The Khyber TONIGHT!

16 10 2009
Artwork by Objektive 1

Artwork by Objektive 1

5 O’Clock Shadowboxers

Elucid

Dumhi

Al Mighty

Has-Lo

Curly Castro


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Categories : 5 O'Clock Shadowboxers, I Gotta Eat Too

Dodgers vs. Phillies Match-up

15 10 2009

ryan howard

From the LA Times:

The Dodgers and Philadelphia Phillies open the National League Championship Series tonight at Dodger Stadium, a rematch of last year’s NLCS. Here’s a glance at how the teams stack up:

Offense

The Dodgers finished the regular season tied with the New York Mets with the NL’s best team batting average, .270, while the Phillies tied for eighth, .258, with the lowly Washington Nationals. But with Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth, Shane Victorino and Raul Ibanez in their lineup, the Phillies can still overpower a pitching staff in short order, which is why they led the league in runs scored (820) and home runs (224). Still, the Dodgers are balanced offensively and strong throughout their lineup, with leadoff hitter Rafael Furcal and a middle of the order that includes Manny Ramirez, Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp.

Edge: Dodgers

Defense

Both teams finished the season among the NL’s best clubs in fielding percentage and errors. Philadelphia is strong up the middle with Utley at second base, Jimmy Rollins at shortstop and Victorino in center field. The right side is more suspect with Howard at first base, where he committed 14 errors. The Dodgers generally are solid defensively with Furcal at shortstop, Casey Blake at third base and either Orlando Hudson or Ronnie Belliard at second base. And though Ramirez in left field can still turn an easy fly ball into an adventure, Kemp has become a premier center fielder.

Edge: Phillies

Starting pitching

The quality of the Dodgers’ starting rotation is a question mark, just as it has been all season — at times brilliant and at times wanting. Veteran left-hander Randy Wolf came on strong in the second half and finished 11-7 with a 3.23 earned-run average, and 21-year-old lefty Clayton Kershaw earned the Game 1 start against Philadelphia after a strong outing against the St. Louis Cardinals in the division series. Vicente Padilla, the scheduled Game 2 starter, turned out to be strong acquisition for the Dodgers. Likewise, Cliff Lee has helped the Phillies since being acquired in July, with a 7-4 record and 3.39 ERA at Philadelphia. He joins ace Cole Hamels, J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton, who can start or pitch middle relief.

Edge: Dodgers

Bullpen

Both teams have a strong corps of relievers, with the Dodgers led by right-handed closer Jonathan Broxton, who had 36 saves and a 2.61 ERA. The Dodgers also bolstered their bullpen with the acquisition of George Sherrill from the Baltimore Orioles; he posted a 0.65 ERA in nearly 28 innings of work with the Dodgers, often as Broxton’s setup man. The Phillies, in turn, rely on closers Brad Lidge — who struggled badly at times this season — and Ryan Madson, who had a 3.26 ERA in 79 innings.

Edge: Dodgers

Bench

The Dodgers’ bench has been especially strong this year, with Juan Pierre, Mark Loretta, Juan Castro and Brad Ausmus, among others, delivering timely hits and defensive help. The Dodgers are still waiting for a big contribution from late-season pickup Jim Thome (564 career home runs). The Phillies, in turn, still have one Matt Stairs, who tore out Dodgers fans’ hearts with a pinch-hit, two-run home run off Broxton that enabled the Phillies to win Game 4 of last year’s NLCS. What did Stairs do this year? He led the majors in pinch-hit homers with five.

Edge: Dodgers

Prediction

Dodgers in six games.


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I’m Your Huckleberry

9 10 2009

Matt Holiday

Instant karma: you’ve got an All-Star left fielder who, since leaving Colorado, hasn’t lived up to the $15–$20mill/yr salary he’s hoping to sniff next year while he’s playing in the cushiest and easiest environment in baseball: St. Louis.  He then doinks the final out off his breadbasket after Adam Wainwright pitches a gem on the road.  And then the Cardinal unravel like the “Sweater Song” four consecutive batters in a row (walk, RBI single, wild pitch, walk, walk-off single).  Who knew Matt Holliday’s protective cup could have such damaging results when aggravated with a misplayed fly ball?  It was like Godzilla being reawakened from the ocean — mayhem and disaster and screaming minorites ravaged the  Cardinals in Chavez Revine. 

And let me go public with my thoughts on that final at-bat for the boys in blue:

-”Manny is getting no lift on the ball whatsoever.  Pitchers don’t fear him like they did last year.  Last year, he’d be getting intentionally walked in tight spots and now guys are going right at him.  Man, is he purposely letting the dreads grow to the levels of Proprietor of Jamacian Jerk Chicken Hut on South Street? ”

-”Everytime I curse James Loney for being the most vanilla 90 RBI first baseman in MLB history, he goes and redeems himself with ‘clutch’ playoff hits.”

- ”Juan Pierre, you’ve validated your existence this year.  You really put the team first and all that jazz after being a fourth outfielder with a $9mill check coming.  You and O-Dawg  are big reasons why the D’s didn’t sink when Manny was suspended.  But seriously dude…the baseball hat under the batting helmet look makes you appear to be 16 years old.  It’s worse than Shane Victorino’s double-flapped batting helmet.”

-”I don’t believe in ‘grit’ and ’scrappiness’ and guys who play like ‘grinders’….but Casey Blake’s gritty at-bat was the scrappiest stand-off that ultimately grinded into a dramatic walk which sealed the Cardinals fate.  I mean, that guy goes out there and plays the game the RIGHT way!”

-”I wonder if Ronnie Belliard should swing at the first pitch.  Ryan Franklin is clearly rattled, and the Dodgers preach taking pitches and wearing pitchers down.  They were the league leaders in pitches per at-bat and near the top in OBP and walks.  So if Belliard — damn, that was easy!  TIE GAME!

-“Russel Martin was an All-Star catcher with a Silver Slugger award under his belt before he hit 26 years old.  Joe Torre, a hall of fame coach and borderline HOF catcher, joins the team last year.  The D’s trade away Dioneer Navarro and Carlos Santana, two starting catchers, because Russel is an emerging star.  He doesn’t get hurt and catches over 130 games in three consecutive years.  And somehow, with all of that in mind, he turned 39 years old this year.  He has regressed with Torre on board while Kemp and Ethier have blossomed and Loney has been frustratingly efficient.  With the game on the line, he should be in full-on Roger Dorn mode and step into any pitch inching anywhere near the inside of the plate.  I have zero point zero confidence in him to keep the inning alive.  He’s the first Dodger I’d pay to have put to sleep.

With all of this in mind, Ryan Franklin uncorks a wild pitch and then walks Russel Martin to load the bases.  “That wasn’t very smart”, said the shotgun to the head.” 

-”Mark Loretta?  Are you shitting me???  Mark Loretta is up to bat?  Can’t we page Jeff Kent from highway patrol duty and have him step into the box?  He sucked but I’d feel more comfortable with another 40 yeard old white guy with little to no skills at pinch hitting. 

And then my dad says on the phone, ‘You watch Mark Loretta.  He’s the perfect guy for this situation.  A steady veteran’  ‘But Dad–he’s hitting like .232 this year and his career average against Ryan Franklin is infinitesimal.’ ‘Trust me — Loretta’s gonna do something good.’ “

loretta

I love you Mark Loretta!

I love you dad!


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