I’ve been on a serious Edan kick lately.  One of his best cameos (“I used to eat spaghetti with tomatoes and meatsauce”)  and one of the best cuts from Mr. Lif ever (“So pick your savior ninja, Jesus, Michael or Joseph”) off 2002’s Emergency Rations EP.  RIP Def Jux.

Could it have been the pre-game speech from the incomparable Rex Ryan aka NFL’s Aldo Raine?  I would fear no man on a football field after this.

“A saint has mercy. You cannot have mercy. A Saint has compassion. You cannot have compassion. A saint loves all creatures great and small. You cannot love all creatures great and small. Men, you must become SINNERS. I don’t want you men to be Mother Theresa out there. I want you men to bend Mother Theresa’s hot little skeleton over the bench and have your way with her. We play a violent game. We play a game full of sin. Full of greed and power and selfishness. And that’s what I need out of you. I need you to forget about being the good guys two days from now. I need you to forget about being America’s fucking Sweethearts and the Little Team That Could. I need you to be sinners. I need you to be men who will stop at nothing to fulfill only their most base desires. VIOLENCE. BOOZE. PUSSY. Don’t play for your city. Don’t play for your families. Don’t play for your fans. Play for that insatiable beast inside all of you that desires nothing more than its own fulfillment. On this day, I want you men to forsake niceties. And I want you to find that evil inside of you.

We all have evil in our hearts, men. There’s not a man in this room who hasn’t dreamed of killing another man, whether he’s willing to admit it or not. We have consciences that keep that evil from ever surfacing. But now. NOW. I need you to let that blockade loose. I need you to let that evil deep down inside you grow, and pulse, and break free, and come out and FUCKING MUUURRRRRRRDERRRRRRRRRR everything and everyone in sight. I WANT BLOOD ON YOUR LIPS! I WANT EVIL IN YOUR EYES! I WANT DEATH AND ANGER IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND NOTHING ELSE! WILL YOU DO THAT?”

Read the entire transcript at Kissing Suzy Kolber

Over at the motherland Passion of the Weiss, the Treasurer of Getting Montreal Ass, DJ Sach, whipped up a superb blend tape for these snow caked days here in Philly titled “A Winter Mixtape”.  Select tracks from Boards of Canada, Bjork, Mobb Deep, the Chi-Lites, the Grateful Dead–hell there’s even an instrumental from my Shadowboxers brudda Douglas Martin aka Blurry Drones on that puppy.

My submission and write-up for the mix is Wu-Tang’s “Jah World” featuring Junior Reid.  That joint reaches its maximum potential when played under a sheet of slushy ice in the dead of a February.  Check it out!

UPDATE

GQ likes my Wu-Tang submission “Jah World” for Passion of the Weiss’ Winter Mixtape. Time for an afternoon scotch.

This is the coolest moment of the new decade for me! Oddly enough, I was thumbing through my old GQ’s during lunch break today to find this recipe for an ill Beer Braised Beef.

I first came across Alison Brie as Trudy Campbell on Mad Men back in 2007.  Hidden underneath Jackie O blouses and box hats as an early 60’s WASPy housewife, I never picked up on her saucy girl-next-door sexiness until this year’s breakthrough comedy Community on NBC.  As Annie, the hyper over-underachiever, I’ve been forced to change my tune, specifically since the episode where she had to make out with Joel McHale to win a philosophy debate on human nature.  Man is bad, yes?

Though she’s playing  an 18 year old student on Community, Alison Brie is actually my age, so I won’t feel guilty for peeking in the cradle.  She appears to be the hot girl in Lit class who fits Ludacris’ requirements for a meaningful relationship (don’t make me quote “Yeah!”).  I second the line from Troy on last night’s episode: she gets the invitation to go Red Shoes Diaries on us anytime she feels like it.

For 2010: The Expendables, a film written and directed by Sly Stallone.

Plot: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.

Cast:

Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Dolph Lundgren
Steve Austin
Mickey Rourke
Bruce Willis
Arnold Schwarzeneggar
Eric Roberts
Danny Trejo

No word on the involvement of Sasha Mitchell or Tommy from “Best of the Best”. 

Obviously, this film will receive 4 Stallone Claps immediately upon release here at Clap Cowards.

/heads back to arm wrestling in cut off tank top while pumping “You’re the Best” in Camarro

“My kids are starting to notice I’m a little different from the other dads. “Why don’t you have a straight job like everyone else?” they asked me the other day. I told them this story: In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, “Look at me…I’m tall, and I’m straight, and I’m handsome. Look at you…you’re all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you.” And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, “Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest.” So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.” — Tom Waits

BONUS

“9th and Hennepin” Tom Waits, off my favorite record of his Rain Dogs

One week after the good folks at Flawless Hustle dropped the lead single “Cantstandya” featuring Von Pea of Tanya Morgan and NYC buzz artist Sene, the entire compilation is upon us. And Beat Garden is well represented!

Click the here for the full tracklisting.   There’s notable contributions from Jake One, Black Milk, Prince Po, Madlib, Vanderslice, and more.  And you’re able to stream each joint. Us and the homies are represented on these joints:

“Phil Jackson aka Winning Time” (prod by Zilla Rocca)-Al Mighty f/ Zilla Rocca, Has-Lo

“Shark Shit” (prod by Mute)-Al Mighty

“Eviction Notice” (prod by Barry Bombsqad)-Curly Castro

“These Words Here” (prod by Has-Lo)-MAGr

 ”52 Bars” (prod by Zilla Rocca)-Zilla Rocca

Shouts to Khal, Dom P, and the good folks at Flawless Hustle for the recognition!

A few weeks back, I stumbled across this contest at Kevin Nottingham where each week they asked producers to remix a joint off LL Cool J’s comeback album Mama Said Knock You Out.  Week 1 presented the chance to remix the beat for the ultimate jeep anthem: “Boomin’ System”.  Not only did Marley Marl build “Boomin’ System”  off the James Brown sample ”The Big Payback”, which has been flipped by everyone from Total to Massive Attack, but on that track and for the majority of Mama Said Knock You Out LP he gave LL this lane to excel in, a sound that was rugged, funky, and not too serious.  In other words, the opposite of Phenomenon and everything that followed it.

Anyway, I did not win the remix contest (though shouts to A-Town’s DJ Grain who picked me #1 on his ballot–and you’ll soon understand why).  But Khal at Rock The Dub was so geeked he asked me if he could throw that ish in his old Alpine system, sportin’ his fresh fisherman hat, clocking the girlies walkin’ by.  Check out his reaction to the track and his take on the original “Boomin’ System” at Rock The Dub.

Download “Boomin’ System (Zilla Rocca BLAST UP Remix)” | usershare

On a side note, if you can guess all the vocal samples I used in the remix, post it in the comment section and I will ship you out some promo goodies!

If you loved hip hop at any point in your life, you need to own LL Cool J’s All World greatest hits compilation.  Yes, OWN IT!  It’s worth $9-$16.   Every year when LL puts out another wack album brimming with collabos from the flavor of the month that inevitably fades 2 weeks after its release while his Def Jam bitchfest marches on for 6 months, I shudder and think back to how incredible his run was from ‘86-’97.

Top 5 LL songs of all time (in no particular order):

“Boomin’ System”
“Around the Way Girl”
“Jingling Baby Remix”
“Mama Said Knock You Out”
“Loungin Remix f/ Total”

Honorable mentions:

“4,3,2,1″ (not for LL’s verse mind you)
“Backseat of my Jeep”
“I Shot Ya”
“Goin Back to Cali”
“Ill Bomb”

*Informercial voice*

Aren’t you tired of listening to your favorite rappers, in the car, at karaoke with friends, in your basement studio, and not being able to ‘get on the mic’ with the same gusto?

Wanna be able to ’spit it’ like the pros in an easy and FUN way from the safety of your own home?

Are you a diehard fan of the Wu-Tang Clan?

Were you waxing nostalgic last year at the much ballyhooed release of Cuban Linx 2 CD and dying to get your ‘rhyme’ on like Chef Raekwon?

Well SAY NO MORE!!!

From the makers of Wayne-A-Tron 8000, comes Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator (patents pending), the all-new portable at-home device that’ll have you ’spittin’ like your favorite chef from Shaolin!

This personal rap tabulator is not only lightweight (only 1.7 tons) and eco-friendly (fueled exclusively on bio-diesel fuel), but is an ABSOLUTE BLAST for longtime fans of Raekwon the Chef!  Made from space age polymer, tin, and hollowed out aluminum siding, the Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator will happily occupy that spare bedroom and turn it into a KNOWLEDGE BODY CHAMBER!

Not a diehard fan of the Wu-Gambinos?  Do you prefer the contemporary rappings of  Kanye West, Gucci Man, Drake, and Jay Electronica?  NO WORRIES! The Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator is a burst of “that shit” for all crowds!  Simply load in the pre-scripted papyrus punch cards with the lyrics from today’s hits….

…and you’ll be spittin’ that ol’ fly shit in MINUTES!

Let’s insert the card for KANYE WEST’S “Run This Town” into the Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator and see what the iron-built Chef machinism (made in the USA!) comes up with…

ORIGINAL SAMPLE

“It’s crazy how you can go from being Joe Blow
To everybody on your dick, no homo
I bought my whole family whips, no Volvos
Next time I’m in church, please no photos”

*robot voice* Loading...loading....loading....PRINTING NOW SHALLAH

Within minutes…the Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator cooks up some marvelous ish!  Read those lyrics NOW!

“Son crazy as Russian spot rusher Joe Blow
Lampin, eating broiled spotted dick, no homo
Bought my whole clan bulletproof Volvos
Hit the holy house, chalice out, no photos”

WOW!  Even grandma approves!

Still not convinced? Let’s try some GUCCI MANE in the Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator!

“She diggin my fit, she think I’m the shit
Is this a chain on my neck, or the watch in my wrist
Maybe the ice in my ear, or my bracelet
But she look like the type that could take a dick”

*robot voice* LOADING...LOADING...LOADING...PRINTING NOW SHALLAH

“She eating thermidor shrimp in the Cuban Link blimp
Chains brolic, sun polish arctic circle my wrist
The ice in my ear like Italian chandeliers and shit
She  the type to buy a thousand dollar facelift”

WHOA!  It’s so easy and you’ll never get the same results twice!   Even folks from Canada can join in on the fun!  Let’s try the Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator with DRAKE!

“I love your sushi roll, hotter then wasabi
I race for your love, Shake’n Bake, Ricky Bobby
I’m at the W, but I can meet you in the lobby
Girl, I gotta watch my back. ’cause I’m not just anybody”

(Time elapsed)

“We counting sushi roll type dough, hotter than wasabi
Mask and gloves, blaze the place, hitting Ricky, sticking Bobby
Respect the W, no doubt, fiends in the lobby
Watch your back for Primatine Mist, sniffing everybody”

And for the ultime test of Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator’s durability, try some Jay Electronica for the ULTIMATE challenge!

“They call me Jay Electronica, fuck that
Call me Jay ElecHannukah
Jay ElecYarmulke
Jay ElecRamadaan
Muhammad Asalaamica RasoulAllah
Supana Watallah through your monitor”

(Time elapsed)

“They call me Rae, the main moniker, fuck that
Call me Lex in Santa Monica
Chef rocking those Nautica’s
Bless y’all with consciousness
Shallah with slang marvelous
Godbody gangster promises, astonish modern pharmacists”

ADVANTAGE: CHEF!

Get your Rae-Rhyme-A-Rator today, kitko!

In conjunction with our brother from another mother site 33jones.com, Clean Guns (Nico the Beast + Zilla Rocca) is gearing up to drop their first project in almost three years (check the catalogue on CD Baby, suckas!). 

In honor of the east coast hip hop institution that is the Wu-Tang Clan, Clean Guns & 33jones.com are partnering up for the recreation project titled One in the 36th Chamber.  Instead of rapping over classic Shaolin instrumentals, producers are remaking Wu joints from the highly publicized (“Criminology”, “Bring the Pain”) to the slept-on (Inspectah Deck’s “Elevation”, Raekwon’s “Jury”). 

Before the full project is released for free download, 33jones.com will be leaking some promo cuts of Clean Guns going in on Wu-Tang instrumentals.  This week we have Nico the Beast putting a hurtin’ on “Triumph”. 

Look, listen, and observe Nico’s 5 minute plus freestyle at 33jones.com.