The wave of the future. Let it hit 'em!

This is for Moses Moreno.

And Steve Stenstrom.

And Craig Krenzel.

And Kordell Stewart.

And Henry Burris.

And Rick Mirer.

And Chris Chandler.

And Dave Kreig.

And motherfucking Peter Tom Willis.

No that is not a list of sex offenders in my neighborhood via Megan’s Law’s website.  Those gentlemen have not only played quarterback in the NFL, but they’ve managed to do it at some point for my beloved Chicago Bears.  And the results have been…what’s a creative way to say “vomit inducing”? 

Two weeks ago, I said to my dad “Why the hell don’t the Bears kick the tires on Jay Cutler?  The guy’s favorite team growing up was the Bears, he grew up in Indiana and went to school out there, and our last two starters both did nitrus at frat parties WHILE PLAYING IN THE NFL!!!”

Can the Bears EVER land a franchise quarterback  in my lifetime? 

“YES WE CAN!”

"The only crisis we face is losing to the Packers with this new QB"

Hearing the news in my car yesterday that the Bears landed Jay Cutler, the 25 year old Pro Bowler formerly of the Denver Broncos, was like someone telling you you hit the loterry–and you never even bought a ticket.  Hell, you didn’t even have $8 to your name.  And you were stocking shelves overnight with Byron Crawford at K-Mart and hating good rap. 

Unless you’re a fan living in Boston or Dallas or New York, the chances that your squad, in any sport, will go out and get the premiere player on the market are slimmer than a mosquito’s dick. 

Historically with the Bears, the chances are actually slimmer than a Sea Monkey’s dick.

Before landing Jay Cutler yesterday, the biggest splash that brought flashing lights to the Monsters of the Midway the past decade or so was….Bryan Cox.  Outside of flipping the bird to some fans, spitting on people, and wearing a washboard behind his helmet, Bryan Cox the linebacker wasn’t even as good as geezer thespian Bryan Cox playing Lt. Stryker in X-Men 2.

Directions: do not starch man after ironing

This was like the Yankees scooping CC Sabathia, Flava Flav netting VH1, and The Wonders landing Wolfman to play bass all in one transaction.

In minor awesome Bears news, the boys in blue also grabbed future Hall of Famer Orlando Pace to play tackle.  I can’t picture a scenario where they don’t win 10 games next year, even if Marty Booker, the Black Hole of Foot Speed at wide receiver, manages to make the roster again. 

All I can say is, in my Super Fans voice, “Go Bears!!!  And Todd–don’t choke on your bratwurst, buddy.  You gotta chew ‘dose ‘tings.  You can’t just swallow ‘em whole!”

The sweet taste of victory. And asphexiation