zilla rocca’s CLAP COWARDS

Curtis Enis was an abomination for my favorite team and for the Starting Lineup corporation.

Last night marked another fantasy draft for me.  You won’t care about my team and I sure as shaving cream won’t care about yours.  But if you’re a longtime fantasy player (read: loser) like me, you’ve no doubt had more downs that ups.  I’ve been at this for over 10 years–and have not won a fantasy league.  Hell, I haven’t even finished in third place.  And yet I’m ready to spend a sizable amount of time and money for the next 4 months watching the bottomline religiously during football games, cursing out grown men online because they picked up Ladell Betts before I put in a bid for him, and arguing with my dad over who to start during our #1 QB’s bye week: Charlie Batch or TJ O’Sullivan.  

Here’s some memorable blunders I’ve accumulated over the years…

1.  Chris Warren, RB.  Seattle Seahawks.  Drafted 4th Overall.  1996.

Chris Warren was the OG Marion Barber–a vicious north/south bruiser (42 is a badass number for a running back).  In my first fantasy magazine, the consesus pick was Warren at #4 overall.  I complied, drafted him, and watched him week by week compile 500 less yards than the year before, 10 less TD’s than the year before, and 100 less carries than the year before for no real discernible reason.  Chris Warren’s unseen meltdown in 1996, from elite RB to part-time player in Dallas and Philly within 2 years, is still unsolved to this day.  Any tips or information would be appreciated.  Until then, Crhis Warren is dead to me.

2.  Terrell Davis, RB.  Denver Broncos.  Drafted 1st Overall.  1999.

By my third year, the Gods of Fantasy Football and smiled on me with the number 1 pick in my draft.  Usually, it’s a consensus pick that you don’t have to think at all about.  By picking first, you determine the rest of the draft.  You could shock people and take Gizmo Williams, you can trade it, or you can stand pat and nab the best player in the land.  You hold all the keys.  It’s power, bitches.  And bitches love power, but hate fantasy football.  So do I.

By 1999, Terrell Davis was top bumbaclot.  He had just compiled 2000 yards and 21 TDs for the world champion Denver Broncos.  No publication nor expert picked anyone but Davis at number one.  It was like getting Tara Reid’s phone number–you will score.  How did I fare with TD, all-world running back, Nike spokesman, NFL ambassador, owner of the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen in my life?  He promptly tore his ACL and played exactly 4 games all season with a total of 67 carries.  Asshole.

3.  Ed McCaffrey, WR.  Denver Broncos.  4th Round Pick.  2001.

By 2001, I had learned my lessons from the past.  Well…actually, I didn’t.  But I did feel confident in picking “Easy” Ed McCaffrey, a durable and dependable (white) receiver who could tear up defenses like the brothas but could drive his Benz around on a Friday and not get pulled over. 

Going into ’01, McCaffrey had compiled over 3000 yards and 19 TDs the previous three years.  He was playing alongside the Rod Smith, a man who sold his soul to the devil like Robert Johnson on a dirt road in the bible belt in order to play wide receiver in the NFL until he was 62 years old.  Never mind that McCaffrey was 33 years old, an age when receivers usually turn into taco meat.  Ed was gonna be my rock, a guy I could pencil in as a starter every week and not worry about.

The Fantasy Gods had other plans.  The same way they struck Terrell Davis’ knee from the heavens in ’99, the Gods swung a sledgehammer at Easy Ed’s leg on a Week 1 Monday Night Football game, snapping the bone like a frozen Kit Kat.  He would not play another down in 2001.   I could only curse the heavens and await my revenge.

4.  Rex Grossman, QB.  Chicago Bears.  Undrafted Free Agent Pick-Up.  2006.

It’s heartwarming to draft a focal player from your favorite team.  In 2006, I did not draft Rex Grossman from my Chicago Bears; he was an unproven top draft pick who couldn’t stay healthy for his first three years in the league.  After a 4 TD performance against Minnesota in Week 2, I dumped Jake Plummer and rode out the Sex Cannon as the Bears began steamrolling teams on their way to a Super Bowl Apperance.

The problem with Sexy Rexy was that he was incredibly streaky.  In 2006, he had 6 multi-interception games!  SIX!!!!  That’s one more than five!  He also had 7 multi-TD games, making him actually a viable fantasy QB.  I’ve watched almost every start of his professional career, and I can say in full confidence that he, a five year veteran, has learned nothing, made no progress, and advanced nada as a starting QB.  As a fantasy QB, it was terrifying to start him every week–would he throw 4 TD’s or 6 INT’s?  It was like dating DMX.  Sadly, he aborted my playoff hopes with a 34 yard, 3 INT game against the Vikings in Week 13.  To add insult to injury, he blew it in the Super Bowl as well.  At least he scored with that chick after doing nitrus.

5.  Travis Henry, RB.  Denver Broncos.  3rd Round Pick.  2007.

After being burned by 2 well known Broncos in the past, I took a gamble on Travis Henry.  A redemption story in the making, Henry was released by the Titans after putting up 1,200 yards and 7 TD’s in 2006.  This was after he was traded from the Buffalo Bills that year to the Titans after breaking his foot and losing his job to Willis MacGhee and outright refusing to become a back-up.   If you’re a running back who is overlooked, landing on the Denver Broncos is better than drunken sex with a tranny (no Andy Dick).

After the first month of the 2007 season, Henry was the leading rusher in the NFL.  My arms were sore from patting myself on the back for such a wise move.  I was the envy of my 12 team league.  Travis Henry was ready to set the NFL on fire.  Mike Shanahan looked like a genius–his majestic glass eye had a new glow to it.   

Then he got hurt.  No big deal, right?  Guys get hurt all the time.

Then he failed a drug test for marijuana.  While he wasn’t suspended any games in ’07 for it, he would later face steep punishment. 

Then it was reported by Chris Mortenson that Travis Henry had 9 rugrats with 9 baby momma’s.

Then it was reported his financials were worse than Cam’ron’s after “Killa Season” and he had to borrow money from the Tennesse Titans to pay child support.

None of this news helped my team.  I was forced to pick up human trash like Samko Gado, Vernand Morency, and Shitty Adrian Peterson to round out my running back attack as Poppa Large was nursing his wounds and his pockets.  Overall, he missed 5 games and his performance clearly suffered from his need to buy 9 separate Ninetndo Wii’s–he averaged 37 rushing yards a game with 3 TD’s the rest of the way.

*****

Who are some of your all-time worst picks?