Since I am a white male and this is a blog, I must follow Internet Law no. 291238 article IV pargraph 8 and write at least 1 entry about Lil’ Wayne exclusively. Over at Not a Blogger, I challenged Trey Stone/Tray (I’m terrible with names–forgive me) in the comments section to show me 5 great lyrical performances from Weezy that are on par with Shawn Carter.
After spending 10 minutes reading them, my brain feels like an omelette–sorry guys.
If Wayne proclaimed himself “The best entertainer alive” then I’d be on board. The guy is 2 years away from having his own VH1 reality show where he hands out styrofoam cups to white girls that tattoo their mispelled children’s names on their wrists. Saying funny phrases and making your voice sound like a wood chipper dipped in molasses while flowing over “A Milli” is definitely a talent. But a rapper who proclaims himself a “beast” that “eats other rappers” and sticks his New Orleans slim jim in their girlfriends should be able to, you know, spit hot shit perhaps?
I called Big O to recite some of Weezy’s lyrics to make sure I wasn’t just hating. He confirmed it as well–he’s heard better rhymes picking his son up at grade school. We started reminiscing over great lyricists of the past and how much better they are than Wayne and how their greatest lyrics would be Wayne-sidized for today’s fan.
The only way to do this was to go all out and create a piece of science so precise, so brilliant, so low budgeted we’d take the rap world by storm. I then dedicated literally hundreds of seconds to build such a dastardly device!
Ready?
Feast
Your
Eyes
On
The….
WAYNE-A-TRON8000!!
The Wayne-A-Tron8000 (patents pending) is half copy machine, half construction paper and scotch tape. It’s inner workings are so detailed and meticulous, your puny, infantile brain couldn’t even begin to fathom it’s operating system. So here’s an elementary breakdown of how it works: feed it with great lyrics, hit the Start button, and within seconds a Weezy F. Baby enhanced version of those lyrics pop out!
Subject 001:
“Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
As I crush so-called willies, thugs, and rapper dons
Get in that ass quick fast like Ramadan
It’s the rap phenomenon don dada, fuck poppa”
WAYNE-A-TRON8000, TABULATE RESPONSE!!!
*robot voice*
“WAYNE-A-TRON8000 response uploading now”
“Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
I watched that movie, with braces on, you can call me Tootie
Oh! Get in that ass, call me Gay Porn Movie
Rap phenomenon, black car, call me Hasselhoff”
Subject 002:
“But what’s it all worth, can’t take it with you under this earth
Rich men died and tried but none of it worked
They just rob your grave, I’d rather be alive and paid
Before my number’s called, history’s made”
WAYNE-A-TRON8000, TABULATE RESPONSE NOW!!!
*robot voice*
“WAYNE-A-TRON8000 response uploading now”
“But what’s it all worth, I am panty liner, touch your girl’s skirt
Rich man, so fly like Baby Jesus, church
I’m the boss, OK? I’m so alive, I’m paid
Weezy F. Baby, purple lemondade!”
SUBJECT 003:
“Aiyyo I shatter dreams like Jordan, assault and batter your team
Your squadron’ll be barred from rap like Adam & Eve from the garden
I’m carving my initials on your forehead
So every night before bed you see the “BP” shine off the board head”
WAYNE-A-TRON8000 TABULATE RESPONSE NOW!!!
*robot voice*
“WAYNE-A-TRON8000 response uploading now”
“Aiyyo I shatter dreams in Jordans, I bought em for 10 G’s
You are appleseed, I am open minded, Adam and Steve in the garden
Oh! I’m carving my intials on your girl’s legs
W.F., I am vampire, she gives me Underworld sex, yeah!”
*robot voice*
“WAYNE-A-TRON8000 ending transmission timedated 8:17:03. You are low on toner and staples. Young Money, bitch.”
That was pretty good. A lot of his lyrics are ridiculously unsatisfactory to the standards of many, often myself included. Ultimately what Weezy comes down to is indeed his entertainment value: he’s not the greatest rapper alive yet he says it, and it’s quite ironic that he often throws out verses concerning flow when his rhythm and rhyme are horrid; however, when you take into light the scene of mainstream rap today, Weezy becomes a great parody of the genre itself. Beats and verse are quite mediocre or piss-poor relative to the competition (particularly Dirty South + Luda), but it’s absurd, it’s laughable / humorous, and that’s what makes it great. “C3″ was, of course, Wayne’s flump (and the fact that it went platinum in a week adds to the hilarity). You wanted a comment on the society we’re living in, you wanted a comment on the industry–don’t listen to Public Enemy, Wu-Tang, Nas, and the like. Listen to Weezy and you’ll get a pretty good representation of everything that is–good or bad–about the genre.
Hilarious! Wayne is a clown.
Vincent
thimk.wordpress.com
Ha! This is great.
One day I’m gonna record one of my brother and I’s “freestyle like Weezy” sessions. That was funny as hell, Zilla.
One.
BRAVO….ZILLA.
WAYNE EATS DONKEY DICK.
Im done….official flatline HILARIOUS
That was amazing!
I have also thought Wayne was a clown, glad you’re on board with that.
hahahahahah, thats awesome. I’m with ya %100
little wayne FTL!
Do not criticize my creator.
Death will meet you all.
Sizzurp.
*ending transmission time code 2:39:20
that hasselhoff line was kinda sick, though.
Yo, that was some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a while. To a tee what he would do wit those verses. Good shit, Mr. Rocca.
Hilarious, Zilla. I found it entertaining to imagine a “Sex Style”/”Lost in Space” Kool Keith reciting the responses.
Right On!(magazine)
You need to get a check for writing this stuff, boo.
[...] since I’m on the topic, this Clap Cowards post on the Wayne-A-Tron 8000 deserved to blow up more than it did. That is [...]
that was funny as shit. wayne is WEAK! his lyrics are ridiculous. “purple lemonade” and “adam and steve in the garden” had me rollin!
You’re a tool. Get a life.
You take Lil Wayne very seriously. Thanks for reading!
ok so lets get somethin straight! lil wayne is a beast he IS HIP-HOP HATERSSS!!!! see while you over here waisting your time on the best you should write your own ryhmes and out do him if hes so “bad” get off lil waynes JOCK he da shit! he can out rap anybodyyyy you know why people love lil wayne so much? its becuase he spits what he know and he spit what other ppl can relate to. he different. he not like your “other rappers” you and your friend were talking about THATS THE POINT WE IN 2008 NOTTTTT 1980′S!! BIETTCCHHH
i love wayne and no1 can out top him.
Thanks for checking in Marissa!
I’m too busy not kissing men on the mouth, not ripping off Jay-Z and the Clipse, and not drinking myself to death to write that real shit!
IM ONLY 11 BUT I LOVE LIL WAYNE!!